2%. That's what chance I had of getting pregnant again on my own...EVERY OTHER MONTH. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never again carry another child after Gage...and I was ok with that. More than ok because with the diagnosis of epilepsy on the plate for one of my kids I knew life was going to throw us more curve balls than we had expected with a second child. I mean a total of like 50 something days spent in various hospitals and emergency rooms in less than a year has already proven that. Plus the added trips to private physical therapy once a week (twice during the summer), a job (that I love I must add) where I deal with emotionally disturbed kids on a daily basis, and a wonderful supportive husband who has to travel a lot for his job I'm more than ready just to go to bed when I get home every day.
I'm scared too. I know the odds. I know they're in my favor for this child not having IS or any other form of epilepsy. I also know Gage's medical condition at birth that is now fully resolved is very unlikely to happen again but still it leaves me awake at night. My mind still wanders to that dark place of "what if it happens again." I'm not that strong. God doesn't only give us what we can handle. I learned that enough times this past year. I do believe, however, that he gives us these trials to bring us closer to him because without that big man upstairs in our corner we have absolutely nothing to hold onto when we fall off that cliff.
I also worry that with another child I won't be able to give Owen enough time. He already has to often take to the sidelines with Gage's condition and various appointments but what is it going to do to him when Mommy has to take care of another baby? And then there's of course Gage who requires so much more than the average one year old. He progresses every day and he's getting stronger but he's still so much like a 6 month old. How am I going to give him the extra time and attention he needs? I'm terrified...but I'm also so very happy.
This child is a miracle. It is a blessing. Years from now like my mother-in-law said I will look back on this news and laugh, wondering how we did it all. Most don't announce their pregnancy so soon and we debated for a while to hold it to ourselves but in the end I wanted others to know that miracles do happen. We didn't plan for this but we are thankful for it. I wasn't supposed to have another chance at carrying such a blessing, but this is just another instance where He reminds me yet again that He is completely and totally in control. I'm still gonna worry. I'm still gonna question if I'm strong enough for this next chapter, but God's got this. He always does.
