raw...

I try to stay positive as much as I can because no one wants to be near a Debbie downer all the time, but sometimes...sometimes I just want to cry.  Nothing prompted it, no earthquake or cataclysmic life altering crises has happened, I just simply am not feeling inspired.  I'm in one of those moods where I want to throw something and then break something else without having to pick up the freaking pieces!  We don't get to choose our fates or our futures, we don't get a choice in anything and sometimes that angers me so much that I just want to scream!  I know it's not right, it's not the Christian way to think but I can't help it.  For once I want to know that my baby is through the worst of all this hell.  For once I want to know that everything is going to be ok and I don't want to hear that crap about it will be no matter what, because you know what?  It may not be.  AND THAT KILLS ME.  It isn't pretty, these feelings that I'm having, but if you really want to know the truth of the matter, if you really want to know the real, the TRUE emotions that a parent of special needs child goes through, a child with severe medical issues, then welcome my friend.  This is the part of me that I don't like people to see because it's not the happy, laid back person that I normally am.  This is the part of me that's a parent who is terrified and angry at myself for being so.  I'm not angry at anyone other than the enemy for making these feelings of darkness overtake me when my child is the one that is actually fighting the battle that I cannot help them in.  And really that may be the crux of the matter today.  My complete and utter helplessness of taking on his enemy.  I can't do it.  God has completely taken the reins from me and nothing is more terrifying than not having control over one's destination.

I also can't help but think that God knows this and wants this attitude from me, from us, because without going through the pits of hell, without experiencing that gut wrenching, awful, and soul crushing pain there is no way we could even come close to experiencing His grace...His love...His promise that He will see me through this feeling of helplessness.  So really I guess this is like a 180 back to where I should be...filled with hope... Gosh this life is beautiful, but man is it beyond exhausting.

PS... Just so you guys know as soon as I finished with this Gage rolled over and started smiling at me.  As I cry out of pain he hears my sorrows and offers comfort. :o)